One step closer to alone.. Feelings drudged up to ease ones mind while anothers becomes weeker and is damaged more as a by product. To think that two people can see and feel so differently after seeing things so similarly. Strange to be on the giving end of love and to have it be rejected.. Thats not how it suppossed to be right? Your suppossed to give love, unconditional love, freely, and in turn we are to take people love and reciprocate.. Right? But then the whole attraction game sets in, and the love becomes skewed... Set aside as ''your'' love or ''weird'' to love.. So thats where I find myself... Only able to show love or anything really to one person... One human out 6 fucking billion... And unable to get past the most basic polite bull shit and intrdoductory interaction that I cant love or even feel anything towards anyone else. I would call that broken. Sounds like insanity.. Or more over obsession......? Is that where o find myself... Obsesses? I dont think so... Or at least don't want to justify it that way but the writing is on the wall... So I guess time can heal this wound... Time, isolation, thinking and reflection, physical exertion.. I will heal.. I must heal.. I can not live in this trap for much longer.

stigma

I saw something that has greatly affected me. To have finally found joy and peace again, only to be taken away! It was the big night. My big night! I invited you because I still wanted you in my life. I had a misconception. I misread everything. Hence why I am a fool!

Later I was thriving on the moment that we had created! I was living on cloud 9. I felt momentum and power. I felt like things were happening correctly the way they were supposed to. I was in control. Then it happened. To walk around the corner and see it...

Devastation.............

Ignorance is bliss... ignorance is bliss... ignorance is bliss!! I can't say it enough! I feel like the image has burned into my retinas. Haunting me in times of solitude and in between moments! It hasn't left my mind since that moment... and the feeling is just as raw and fresh and painful and terrible as the very moment it happened.

But let me regress! I must unveil the reason for my "trauma". I regret myself, I regret loosing you, I regret everything! I wanted to change, and grow, and heal. I believed. I had everything, then had it taken away. I hate that part.. the reality of how it all evolved! I didn't want this, never wanted this, and never wanted to live in the past (as lame as it sounds... it is what feels correct).

How could you... I didn't have to know.. see... be there... point fuckin blank to witness the sum of my fears! I have become accustom to scars, in many ways. But this scar is not healing and has not stopped hurting! One million other places to be... but I was there.

So obviously you didn't care. Don't care. Both of you. I thought at least one of you would have had more respect for me than that. I never would have seen it coming either which is why it is still so hard to swallow. I sometimes find myself checking to see if this is real. Is this my reality? Take me somewhere else.. anywhere else.. please.. take me far far far away from this thought that is poisoning me.

What if i did that to you? What if I made it a point to hurt you so carelessly and just shrug it off? I would never do that. I could never do that. As much as I want to... To even the odds and get the tasty revenge.. I know that that is wrong. That is not me. That is more harmful than what has already been introduced to me the first time around!!!!

Please tell me... be upfront. I want to be in your life.. do you not want me around in some way? How can we be around each other and hide things about ourselves.. I mean I already know alot! I'm sure you do too.... and I would be honest about all and any of my life.. you know that.

I hope you find it. I hope you find what you are looking for.. My advice.... when you do find it... when you find what you are looking for.. when you are at your most happy state in life... Cling to it. Do what ever it takes to keep it. Lock up that love with your actions and efforts and words and your whole being! Once you've found something worth dieing for... and it could be anything.... die trying everyday! Give it everything!

I will become whole again. I will heal. Time heals all wounds. And weed makes you forget the rest.. While I fill the void, I keep thes

e thoughts in mind to battle the urge to breakdown and give up.. I w

ill do what I know to do to take my mind away.. at least for now.

evolution of thought/life

i see what happens around me, i'm not dumb.

exploitation, avoidance, the cold shoulder.

i would die for you.

all i wanted was your support, your love, your trust.

tooooo much for any one person to ask of another.

tooooooo much.

it's terrible.

to want to be with you and hold you and smell you and feel you and know you are feeling the exact same thing.

it's agony at it's finest.

i had not given you a reason to want to earn your keep.

because if how i acted and reacted.

that was the end of me.

the lengths of which i would go through to become one with you again.

one understanding.

trust

respect

love

encouragement

support

growth

unconditionally

you radiate beauty

you will attract the best and worst of them... and every one in between.

what you saw in me.... will you wee in them?

meet me again for the first time.

i am finding myself and I am seeking new experiences.

i know you have too!

i want to learn and hear and vicariously live through you adventures!

put on a smile and humor me some time.

we are all changing and we will become something better than before.

i believe.

the faith of a fool.

Shuttle Runs!

TUESDAY!!!! Do you even know what this means!!!! It means that I'm not in the shop for a day and.... if someone, hopefully like 2 other people, anyone... has the day off.... were goin downhillin!!!!!!! This means that all the paultry bullshit and rediculous things that occur in life (ie: work, home, life) are gone (maybe momentarily), and they vanish.... in order for a more perfect union between my soul and gravity!!! Collocting all the required articles feels almost like the preparation for an expidition through the heart of the jungle. The journey is exciting, thinking abour all the little features that are waiting in store!!! Berms and drops and launches and logs and rocks and dirt!!! F-ing FAST!!!! So fast it's not even funny, and the sensations just tingle.... but I must focus!


After reaching the top and conversing about the driver rotation, we send the truck off and prepare! All the straps are tight! Nothing dumb is clicking on the bike! Hey, it's actually kinda hot up here (as i'm wearing a suit of armour that would rival the most illustrious knight). Some one calls... DROPPING.. and were off, 0 to 60 in a few seconds!!!! Ha ha 60 might be an exageration but seriously f-ing fast!!!! Bobbing and weaving like an real athelete for once ha ha, floating like a butterfly and stinging like a bee! The trail straightens out... the trees blur and the rocks fade away and the dirt that's oftens time flying by vanishes as though i've entered warp speed in space!!!! (I love space so much! That's tight that downhilling and space are so similar!)

Oh no.... it's a sweet feature! Well no sweat... I'll just lift off! Thats just it.... when you're riding you make simple, effective decisions! Turn right here, bunny hop that, suck your legs up, throw your weight, back pedal.... all these decisions affect the now.... that very split second that you make it, it has passed and a new decision needs to be made!!! So on and so forth.... that is the order of things, and while in most sports, there is fast paced action.... when your riding a downhill bike... it isn't action.... it's survival. And it's not just the elements, it's you competing against yourself..... me against me.. and that makes it challenging, because when you know what to do, but can't... it makes you want to become better and faster and stronger and inherantly stronger in that specific enviroment

Once a few runs, the arm pump starts to set in.... just the sensation of being able to close my hand becomes the only neccessity in life... squeezing the bars and brakes with that intensity takes it toll. The veigns are throbbing, the tendons are swollen and enflamed, how much longer can I take it! I know that now more than ever I must hang on to that damn bike! It's going to pull me through whatevers in front of it... so it's time to aim it and send it!

If you can't see the beautiful agony (O face!) that downhilling (and most bikes for that matter) entails.... then I must beg you to experience it. Just cuising down the street with your hair swept back is a close feeling, but it's when your cruising with no shirt, no shoes, and a 30 pack in one hand that the same feelings return and life sways in my actions!!!

Pure Bliss!!!

(one of my) Greatest Stories Over Told!

So this occurred quite a few months ago, six an one half to be exact, but never the less it was (what I feel like) my crowning achievement.  I was invited to ride Copper Mtn. on December 11, 2008 with Jake Burton (none other).  To put it lightly I was F-ing stoked!  And I know that this story is "old" now, but I needed to put in print and actually read it to make sure that I didn't just make it up!   

So I invite my homie Mil and our other roommate Drew.  We saddle up in Mil's FJ Cruiser and hit the road!  We arrive in Denver the evening before and shack up with LB.

She's our gracious host, who not only puts us up for the night but also was our liaison on the hill to meet Jake! (if you ever read this LB, thank you again!!!!)   Once arriving, we are quick to get to bed, to be sure to get a jump on the morning and get out of town with haste!  Sure enough the morning comes far too early and we are getting ready to ride for the day but first we must meet up with the group and head to the hill! 

After we head out of Denver, it's only a short ride to Copper Mtn, about an hour if you lucky!  But upon arrival see over a foot of ultra fresh fluff that fell the night before, and become even more stoked that not only were we  getting super fresh in Copper, but doing do with Jake Burton!  It was the raddest feeling.... and everything seemed to fit.  Boots... tied... check, pants... just bellow the ass.. check, gloves... both... check!  I was quick to jump off the bus, eager to meet Jake and the rest of the Global Team that was there (I had actually already met Jussi at this point).

LB hooked it up with a board and Binding combo that was stolen from a top secret space agency, next level shit that was cushy and soft and lovable!  I threw it down with passion, knowing it would become my hover craft from Back To The Future II for the day.  I instantly saw him.... strangely wearing the same color as me... combo wise.. all to similar... weird, and I'm a nerd.  I shouted, "Jake, wanna grab first lift?!" and he accepted the offer!  We were on the lift!

Fresh snow, Jake Burton, Mil and Drew too, sunshine, new gear..... was this heaven.... a dream perhaps... I mean I have had them before.  No, it was really happening, and to make it better, a local homie had given me a M & M chocolate chip cookie with green butter!!!!  As we talked with Jake, I just soaked it all in... making sure to get a pic... for the kids ha ha ha!   UNREAL!!!  Once we got to the top we did a sweet run through the trees, ducking ropes the whole way down!  I made sure to ollie and tap everything that Jake did.  We rode for the rest of the day with Jake and various members of the global team (Danny Davis, Shawn White, Luke Mitrani, Keegan Valaika, Jussi Oksanen).  They even bought us dinner and beer afterwards.... Drew got a tee shirt... cool.   

On the way back to Denver I just kept reliving the moment, over and over again!  UNREAL!!!  We arrived in Denver and jumped right back into the whip (FJ) to come back to Burque.  The long haul, it was a little rough, we knew we wouldn't get back till close to 2 AM but it was worth it!!! 

We were taking turns driving, on my watch it was a gnarly freak blizzard south of Colorado Springs, and snow was sticking to the road like a gecko to a commercial series!  It was sticking... everywhere..... sketch!  Then Drewsive took over, ha ha, he mentioned how stoked he was that he had a free trip to meet Jake Burton and ride with him.  No sooner had Drew said that, when a cop lit him up and pulled him over!  He failed at communicating effectively, and the cop gave him a $240 + ticket for how fast he was going, given the conditions!  I mention this last part of the story, not because this is relevant to the earlier excitement mention on our trip, but because it's just flat out hilarious!  Ha ha, that's hilarious!  Sorry dog!

If you don't believe me, hopefully these pics will show the truth.  Greatest day ever!  That's why it's the greatest story ever told!

Hello Shit, Meet Fan... Hey No Hitting!

I'm involved, whether positive or negative, I'm involved.  I had little say, I don't have alot of sway, my opinion is of little value.  I was barely involved, besides being at home.  When push came to shove I was critical, no one would've thought that I would take the lead.  I had my hand on victory, it was tangible, I was so close to being the man.  I was undermined. betrayed, thrown under the bus.  Threw actions outside of my control I was put into a position that only led to negative.  He slammed the door and ran, I was left to my own to pick up the pieces. I was effective and active, he was in-effective and reactive.  He chose his words and I chose mine.  The consequences are just for the level of involvement that each individual had and for the situation.  My future is safe and secure still, while others futures are uncertain.  My life is not always positive but in a negative situation like now, my life is amazing.  My heart is connected to this event.  My life is altered due to human actions and reactions.  Luckily not in the ways that other people's have been.  I'm thankful that I can learn through situations without having to actually be at the epicenter of the given event.  Now hopefully everyone will understand the gravity of our actions.... we must live authentically, we must be true to ourselves and inturn with everyone we interact with, we must be aware of our surroundings and our enviroment, and respect it all with all our hearts.  We must learn that we are always living the dream, and to stop is to wake up... and in this lucid dream, I never want to wake up!

Waiting

In my life, in your life, in all lives, there is the act of waiting... some things are necessary to wait for, while others seem trifle.  Sometimes we wait in agony, sometimes in glee, sometimes in awe, sometimes in anticipation.   But we still wait... caught up in a moment, we forget about most things except those most relevant to our task.  To think that we lose our mind for the moment.  After enough time we remember that which we have waited for most, and go through the realization of our need to want... or do we realize the sweet sweet satisfaction that can come after one has waited for this long, faithfully focused on our goal?  I have faith in things I cannot see, which is how I know that I can wait if necessary.   That is the moment when we let go and believe.