My Rocket to the Moon!: stigma

I saw something that has greatly affected me. To have finally found joy and peace again, only to be taken away! It was the big night. My big night! I invited you because I still wanted you in my life. I had a misconception. I misread everything. Hence why I am a fool!

Later I was thriving on the moment that we had created! I was living on cloud 9. I felt momentum and power. I felt like things were happening correctly the way they were supposed to. I was in control. Then it happened. To walk around the corner and see it...

Devastation.............

Ignorance is bliss... ignorance is bliss... ignorance is bliss!! I can't say it enough! I feel like the image has burned into my retinas. Haunting me in times of solitude and in between moments! It hasn't left my mind since that moment... and the feeling is just as raw and fresh and painful and terrible as the very moment it happened.

But let me regress! I must unveil the reason for my "trauma". I regret myself, I regret loosing you, I regret everything! I wanted to change, and grow, and heal. I believed. I had everything, then had it taken away. I hate that part.. the reality of how it all evolved! I didn't want this, never wanted this, and never wanted to live in the past (as lame as it sounds... it is what feels correct).

How could you... I didn't have to know.. see... be there... point fuckin blank to witness the sum of my fears! I have become accustom to scars, in many ways. But this scar is not healing and has not stopped hurting! One million other places to be... but I was there.

So obviously you didn't care. Don't care. Both of you. I thought at least one of you would have had more respect for me than that. I never would have seen it coming either which is why it is still so hard to swallow. I sometimes find myself checking to see if this is real. Is this my reality? Take me somewhere else.. anywhere else.. please.. take me far far far away from this thought that is poisoning me.

What if i did that to you? What if I made it a point to hurt you so carelessly and just shrug it off? I would never do that. I could never do that. As much as I want to... To even the odds and get the tasty revenge.. I know that that is wrong. That is not me. That is more harmful than what has already been introduced to me the first time around!!!!

Please tell me... be upfront. I want to be in your life.. do you not want me around in some way? How can we be around each other and hide things about ourselves.. I mean I already know alot! I'm sure you do too.... and I would be honest about all and any of my life.. you know that.

I hope you find it. I hope you find what you are looking for.. My advice.... when you do find it... when you find what you are looking for.. when you are at your most happy state in life... Cling to it. Do what ever it takes to keep it. Lock up that love with your actions and efforts and words and your whole being! Once you've found something worth dieing for... and it could be anything.... die trying everyday! Give it everything!